i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
i wish i could marry a nap
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.