i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Holy shit he’s back
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you