Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.