Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…![]()
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”