Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

this is the best interaction on twitter

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

What?

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…