Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying