Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.