A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?