An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
You Might Also Like
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
This is so me 😂😂
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?