People buying plungers never look happy.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby