@causticbob

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

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@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@Blarebare

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

@FrogAvalanche

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

@ItalianBratikus

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

@JennSlowpez

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby