Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My last name is Zilla.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO