Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien