Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: