Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check