@maisondecris

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

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@NicCageMatch

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

@ObscureGent

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

@BGH70

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@AllenaC

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

@roxiqt

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

@DrakeGatsby

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse