*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
getting old is fun
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.