Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.