My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
You Might Also Like
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals