It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’ve had worse
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.