My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“I wouldn’t.”
There’s never enough good news
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.