me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”