These 3D printers are insane!
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If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious