an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.