My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
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Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Whisper out to librarians!
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.