Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Never mess with a drunken pig.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?