Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.