Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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My Guy
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
You had me at “define legal”.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.