there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.