Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Check your privilege
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
These are my emotional support Pringles.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid