How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*