FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Every work call, he judges.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
This is hilarious….
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest