One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
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Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Traveler’s camo
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying