Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
You Might Also Like
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*