My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I know karate and tons of other words.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
