My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice