My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”