10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT