“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
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[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
🙂🙃🥹
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Yeah. This was me today.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals