Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
constantly working on myself.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
i hate you platonically
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
This why you should mind your business
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater