Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Always
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
is this a threat
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
two people or more is called a problem
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim