If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
According to math, I’m broke
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master