Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic