just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
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Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.