Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo