*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!