I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
You Might Also Like
dogs can find happiness so easily
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about