Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds