I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.