Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
@ candidates for local office
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.