Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I cannot stop laughing at this
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.