To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.