“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
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4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
What the hell happened in there??
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.