Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?