“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
those birds must be on payroll
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.