can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
You Might Also Like
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”