My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’