Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.