“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.